The Simply Other Side of 50 Life

Photo courtesy of me xxoo

Stephanie and I will have been friends for 10 years next spring. I told her we should do something to celebrate. She totally agreed. And in those 10 years I have truly come to treasure  the way in which we share our candid commentaries on our own lives. Saturday morning as I had her on speaker and was moving about the house preparing for a day full of errands, I shared that I think I may be living at 50%. No one really knows except God. For as much as anyone can tell I do too much. But Steph, I might not like things right now even though I’m succeeding, but it’s safe. It’s so much safer than what I think is on the other side of 50%.” She knew exactly what I meant because she had asked herself the same thing not too long ago.

I’ve written it before, and I’ll write it again, when a portion of your formative years is inconsistent and unstable you long for, swoon over, fight tooth and nail for some sense of stability and control. It’s a quiet rebellion. You give all of the insecurity you had to navigate a kick in the face and then you dig your heels in to whatever seems safe and within your realm in control. I’m saying you, but I mean I.
Photo courtesy of Babble.com
I would write that I feel like a bit of a hypocrite writing a blog about living an abundant life, and a book chock full of encouragement to live life well,  leading leadership sessions and workshops on helping women and girls lead full 100% lives, and I’m pretty sure I’m kinda loafing around the 50% mark. But I don’t feel like a hypocrite. I feel scared. I feel scared that I will look ridiculous and silly and a fool. That I’ll be alone, and I, the counselor, the educated one in regards to mental health, will be called “crazy” for loosening my grip on all that I’ve built to make me feel safe.
Yet in my fear of the other side of 50% I have been bombarded with constant reminders of courage. I mean constant. If it isn’t my mother reminding of a scripture, a scripture I’ve read so many times that as soon as she said where passage is found on cue I recited it, it was those cute font quote print things all up on my Pinterest feed, or it was the sermon in church, or the sign in the cute gift and café place downtown, or the synonym for another word I looked up, or the title of an upcoming program on campus. It was everywhere.
Photo courtesy of Mattie James as pinned on Pinterest.com
Even a few of my students have been nudging towards the other side of 50%. Well one is nudging the other is more like pushing. But both, even though I’ve known them for a few months now, have consistently been seekers of more from me, knowing that I have more to give, knowing that I’ve been hanging out with life less than 100.
So here’s the deal. I’m going to creep to the other side. And I mean creep. I have had more than my share of large transitions since the start of the year. But I am also going to use some courage and loosen my grip on everything that I have made a safety net and have enjoyed controlling.   In fact, I’ve already started. That’s part of what scoping out the co working space was all about last week and looking for resources in other entrepreneurs. This week I’ll get to sit down with two local entrepreneurs to learn more about the economic  development in my new city to see how I can be a part of that.  And in a few weeks I will sit down with a few more.
Photo courtesy of Anna Eva as pinned on Pinterest.com
There’s no neat and tidy summary this week.  Mostly because life isn’t neat and tidy and when you’re staring at the other side of 50% you are staring at a glorious mess.  I’m staring at a glorious mess right now, but it’s one of those messes that when you stare long enough you can see the things that are valuable, worth wading through the mess, and where you want to place them in your life. You also see the things that aren’t valuable and know you need to pitch them asap. That’s where I am this brisk Monday here in Spokane. Sipping my green tea and staring into the mess of possibility, of the need for courage, and of the other side of 50%. 

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