I don’t remember all of her words, most of them, but not all. And, I probably don’t need to. I remember how they made me feel- proud, capable, confident- enough. “Just be who you already are Ahyana. You are this great mix of intelligent and beautiful and creative and you’re just so much yet at the same time I’ve seen you grapple with the really hard things, and be uncertain, and conscious of your disability, and work through things with your family. My kids have seen it and I got to tell you they love you for it. You carry that tension so well and I bet it’s what makes you as empathetic as you are. But today let it be what makes you confident because you really have so much to offer Ahyana and I hope they can decipher amazing via phone. Because you have it.“
It was the best pep talk. The was no score card of losses, no fantasies of a championship, just this snapshot of me that she’s been witness to for the past 15 years and how who she has seen and knows is in the moment enough, and enough whether others see it and make room to experience it or not.
As we hung up and I prepared myself to answer my phone for the call for which she had prepped me I smiled, fully convinced that regardless of the outcome of that conversation, whether they got me, my passion, strategic plan, or were willing to imagine life through my lens and my set of preselected filters, I was enough, valid, worthy. I didn’t need to read another article, peruse their website for another hour, etc. I had all that I could offer at this point and they would either take me up on that offer or not. Even if they opted not to, it took nothing away from me. I would not be less than. I would still be enough.
At the start of the year when I shared I was committed to being purposeful about being all in, I meant it. For the most part, I have been. What I’m still learning is that as we go all in, there are some things, people, behaviors, habits, and thoughts that have to get all out because we are and have enough. When we allow ourselves to live in that place of enough anything else we recognize it as just that- else. We recognize the addition and we can be grateful if it happens but we know that if it doesn’t- if the promotion doesn’t happen, if we miscarry, if the engagement gets called off, if the product doesn’t launch on the date we set, the couple doesn’t accept the offer for the house, if we don’t get voted onto the board, and we didn’t make tenure this go round, if we go a whole month without a swipe to the right on Tinder, not a single share of a blog post on Twitter or a repost on Instagram, we are still enough. All that we offered at that interview, all the appointments we went to and the only buying organic momma to be food on top of the organic food we already eat, all that we poured into the application, our bid, our profiles, that relationship is still ours and it is not cheapened by outside circumstances. The penny we picked up on the street corner, see at the bottom of the wishing fountain, was a part of our change from our cappuccino at Black Rock, or we got from the bank is still valued at one cent. We are no different although we sometimes manage to deceive ourselves into thinking that we are.
May you remember this Monday, despite how you feel, the current circumstances, the odds not being in your favor, your anxiety scooching to a level where you think your doctor needs to increase the dosage of your medication, your reoccurring fantasies of telling your colleague about themselves in a way that makes you a favored nominee for a Tony Award, you’re cool. I know you thought I was going to say enough. Ok ok, I will say it. May you remember this Monday (and everyday) that come what may (or may not) you’re enough. Point blank period fade to black roll the credits close the curtains draw the shades lock the door lights out ta to the da ENOUGH! #youaintgottamakelemonade #givethelemonsback #letthemlaywheretheywerethrown