“Can you hear me?” she asked.
“Yes girl,” I said and poked my head out of the bathroom so she could see that despite my putting on my makeup, I was listening.
“I just think if she lied on him, and he said they weren’t friends, then she doesn’t get invited to a party at their house.”
“Mhmm”, I responded.
“I don’t care if his roommate invited her, he could have said no.”
She was worked up.
“Were you invited to the party?, ” I asked.
She chose not to go. I wasn’t sure why although my gut says she didn’t go because “she” was invited and would attend.
She continued about how annoyed she was with him, him being a guy she’d gone on a couple dates with, and his female friend whose lie about him had actually interfered with their relationship and his job.
“This is really bothering you and you could have been there too. He invited you. I’m wondering if you’re upset because despite what she did, He still chose to invite her. He still chose her.”
“Maybe” she responded and grew quiet. I turned off the bathroom light, grabbed my handbag, and headed out the door.
As I sat in my hard plastic orange seat on the subway I thought about my words to her “He still chose her.” They were hard words to say, mostly because I know how it feels to be chosen, how it feels not to be chosen, and how it feels when you are reminded that you’ve been chosen but circumstances would suggest otherwise which is probably why you forgot you were chosen to begin with.
Being chosen validates us in a way that reminds us that all of who we are, not just what we do, but as seen, as valued, and desired. Whether it’s being chosen for the job, the project, the contract, the lead, the keynote, the girlfriend, the wife- it confirms what we know about ourselves. It confirms just how brilliant, funny, nerdy, quirky, stylish, ambitious, gloriously gorgeous, and capable we know ourselves to be. It reminds us of our strength, or vivaciousness, our ability to hope and even to be vulnerable. If you’re like me, it you really really love the whole being seen, that someone sees you and so they chose you.
Not being chosen is a strange way reminds us of our amazingness too. It just does this weird thing immediately afterwards, questioning if it’s enough? Questioning whether or not we are confident or egotistical, vivacious or ratchet, vulnerable or foolish and weak, beautiful or beautiful for a __________ woman, funny or if they were actually just humoring you. We wonder if we are less than and what to do to be considered more than so that next time we’re chosen. We interrogate who we know ourselves to be to find the culprit that left us looked over, declined, rejected. We wonder if we haven’t stayed at the office long enough so know promotion to leading our own department. We amp up time at the gym and reduce our caloric intake by something our doctors would never approve of because we are convinced we need to lose a few or fifty more pounds. We go for another Master’s degree and consider the Ph.D. because maybe if there were a few more letters behind our name maybe then we would have been selected to keynote or extended the contract and considered tenure worthy. Healthy reflection and seeking feedback is wise and can help us the next time we are in a position to be chosen. Emphasis on healthy
Then there’s forgetting we were chosen. You see, as I put on my mascara and Iistened to her talk about how frustrated she was with him, it wasn’t lost on me that she was chosen. She was invited to the party and for her own reasons chose not to go. She was also chosen as who he desired to date, not just as a friend, but someone with whom he had a friendship with and desired to explore more with.
When we forget we were chosen we forfeit reveling in who we know ourselves to be and what we know ourselves to be worthy of. We forget that we have been seen, that we have been acknowledged, and that who we are not only is attractive but someone or someones have been attracted to us, to who we are.
At the heart of the Simply LIVEd Life is the reminder that we have the power to choose. I know this post has focused on being chosen and it really is great to be chosen, I just don’t want you to forget that you too can always choose you. You can choose to affirm what people saw in you and why they chose you to begin with. Choosing you can remind you when you weren’t chosen that you still are choice worthy even if not in a particular moment. Choosing you, especially if you make a habit of it, helps mitigate forgetting you were chosen, especially when life unleashes a world of hectic or hurt on you.
My hope for you this week is that of all the choices you make this week that you will choose you, that you will experience being chosen because you will have selected you. You will have chosen you to love, celebrate, compliment, partner with to pursue a goal, treat to a movie, or enjoy your own presence. Choose wisely, be chosen wholly.