My body was longing for my old normal amid my new normal. It was craving the usual and I was on day seven of giving it anything but. Routine override started with just being tired so sleeping in and skipping out on the gym, then there was the migraine that led to another missed workout but a greet encounter with a pretty decent guy, then there was a couple of dates with said pretty decent young guy and farewell gatherings with people who’ve been nothing short of supportive during my year in Buffalo. There was an early flight, then the glorious girls trip to DC. Not finished. There was the early rising to see my east coast nephew off to his first day of kindergarten then staying at his puppy eye sad face request for when he got off the bus that afternoon, then returning the following day to pick him up off the bus again. There were several trips to Marshalls to get a few things to help me get organized and settled. Lots of movement and no two days looking even close to the same. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely have a thing for adventure, flirt with spontaneity often, and pride myself in my flexibility. However, I (body, emotions, mind, and spirit) was beyond just not in the mood. #Overit #Done #Ikilledmyownvibe
In fact, as I walked through the crowded lunch time streets of downtown Philadelphia, only wanting to get to the Target on 19th and Chestnut for a new laundry bag, I could feel myself giving way to the week that was and the rest and routine that wasn’t. I was tempted to call my teary eyed feet dragging I just want my bed moment a breakdown, a fall apart, a rapid unraveling that would sure enough unveil my private thoughts, vulnerabilities, insecurities, and anxieties smack in the middle of the cross walk full of suits, dresses, really cute heels, strollers, and dogs on some the longest leashes ever (like seriously, owners were really far behind their pups). But for as overwhelmed as I felt in that moment, I knew I was not falling apart. I was not having a breakdown. I was not unraveling and forced to reveal all of the things I’ve yet to make peace with about myself especially all of the rejection and discrimination and retaliation I’ve faced daily the past eight or so months at work. It was more of an unfolding.
In that moment, I took a deep breath, and imagined me unfolding a white linen napkin. But I didn’t just unfolded the napkin. I unfolded it and placed it in my lap. I placed it in my lap as if I were expecting a meal, expecting nourishment, expecting what I needed to be well.
My life is in a season of unfolding. What it has looked like- folded, compact, pretty, still, and quaint is not looking like that any longer. It is unfolding into a blank fabric square capable of multiple purposes, including being reshaped and refolded, but also protection, and catching the overflow of what is next in my life. It is strategically and slowly becoming undone in full confidence that what will be served to me next (this next season of my life) is a combination of what I want and need to be, do, live, well.
My hope for you this week is that in those moments when your days have become weeks and even months of not being what you need let alone desire that you are reminded that your life is unfolding. It is going through a process where it doesn’t look like what it did at first glance. It’s shifted. The creases are no more. While it looked awfully pretty and proper folded on the table and now looks rather plain and bare on your lap, its purpose remains. Your purpose, amid all that life is gifting you presently remains the same. Circumstances don’t dictate your purpose any more than a meal dictates your appetite. And don’t bother trying to refold the napkin the way it was. It doesn’t typically work out. Have you ever tried to recreate that fanned out linen napkin look? It ends up looking like a wad of used tissue. It makes you snatch it off the table and put it on your lap, right where it belongs. Don’t let your current season try to push you backwards and engage in behaviors or with people that no long serve the fruition of your destiny.
Let this season unfold as you wait in confidence for what is next. Trust that what you have experienced thus far was not in vain, an accident, coincidence, or happenstance. Trust that you have been and continue to be in process as you progress towards what you both desire and need to be, do, and live well. xxoo